life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
