my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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