Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
