I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
