Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
