the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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