i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just want to make out with him forever
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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