Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Come see our sink grown plant.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
