It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
