So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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