just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're a waste of cheezeits
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
