I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
