Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize