I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
