I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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