I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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