dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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