There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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