I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
