i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
