If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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