weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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