wat bout pragnant strippers??
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
