time to smoke my breakfast
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
