After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize