Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
