Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just google imaged poop.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
