Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
