my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
