so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
