im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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