I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
