alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
