I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
