no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
