Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
