I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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