my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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