this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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