I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
