I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
