I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
