I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
