they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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