So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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