Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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