Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
