I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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