i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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