Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
