He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
