I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
