So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize