You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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