Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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