Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
