it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
