In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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